anti_nietzsche

I just came over a thought that is very comforting to me: "God the Father knows it"

There are many things in the universe, in life, in all of reality, which I do not understand. There is much I don't even know it exists.

That which I do not know, but in my mind need to know, may scare me. But ultimately, it does not matter so much, because I do have a Father in Heaven who knows, and understands, everything. And because I am one of his kids, I can say with confidence that God has thought about it. Whatever happens me, it is taken into account. When something comes my way, it should not be able to scare me because ultimately, I do have a destiny. Furthermore, it says in the bible that I can boast of my weakness because it has God's grace rest on me, and I do believe that grace is irresistible, if you meet it with the faith God has provided too.

When I actually have a moment of real trust in God, it really feels extremely good. It's when I finally give up nitpicking and doubting and complaining. It makes me feel alive again, and that everything makes sense. The funny thing is, I don't always know how it makes sense, I only trust that it does. It is sometimes difficult, to trust God while being denied understanding of the complete big picture. But claiming that I needed that has always just been an excuse anyway. I'm good at such excuses for not trusting God as I should.

I can produce a lot with my will, but trust I cannot will. When I try to will trust I may reach courage, but that's not quite the same.

God knows. That is trust. I must talk with a brother about this.

Today I've been thinking of the accusations that had been laid on Michael Jackson about him being a pedophile. Well ... I don't know the truth. If it's true, then it's a serious sin. But if it's not true ... it must be terrible. Imagine you just love children and like to spend time with them ... and then some people come and accuse you of abusing them, and you can't prove the opposite. That must be really terrible. Really, really terrible.

When I was young I always had my little nieces and nephews around me. We were playing with each other a lot. I often went to my sister's house to play Lego and such with my nephew, and he came to me and we played computer games together. It was a really good time.

Maybe all MJ did was liking to be around children, because to be around them is a fun thing.

Yesterday I bought myself The Sims 3. It's a pretty good game, much better than Sims 2. There's a lot of things I can do now which I couldn't do with the old version.

Some fears of mine have come bubbling up again though. There are portions of the bible which aren't exactly helpful when you're scared. In fact they may make you feel extra uncomfortable, particularly if you don't know how to take such texts.

I guess it's wrong from me to call my faith into question, to call all my knowledge of God into question, when I have another bout of paranoia, or when a demon has come and messes with me. I must become more robust, and more enduring and stable. I guess that needs some practice of discipline.

What I wrote some days back about the necessity of God letting bad things happen, still is true. My problem isn't with the suffering, it's with the fear. I'm not sure if the distinction is valid, but it does seem as if fearfulness isn't quite a suffering - it's more something of a character flaw. Yes, it can be a mental illness to have too much anxiety, but still the whole thing has a negative impact on my character. And I've noticed it a few times that I understood that I needed to trust in God or other people, and still somehow went for the paralysis and confusion of fear.

In the last weeks I sometimes noticed a good feeling coming up, a real good one, but I closed my eyes to it and went for something stupid. In those moments, it's like I have two feelings, one that I feel in the front parts of my brain, a good, hopeful feeling about something, and one that I feel in the back of my brain, which is like a clamp around my thoughts and forces my thoughts away from good feelings, from trust coming in, from a hope that might have sprung up in me. Yeah I know that must sound weird, but this is the stuff I regularly have to deal with.

Another problem that I still have is my history with Jesus and with those strange experiences in which I was deluded or when demons messed with me. Some months ago I had a very good experience. I was at a christian festival in a nearby city, and while I sat there I had a small panic attack because I had a great desire to leave for a moment and to have a smoke and to relax, and in the same time I feared it might not be ok with God if I did that. Well, I trusted God not to mind and so I went outside and got myself a coffee and a cigarette. I had a real good feeling about it, and things got even better when a woman approached me with a big warm smile and said hello ... not to talk or to seek conversation, just to be nice. Then I went in again and the anxiety was gone, and then it was like God said now stay put and listen a little to what the preacher is saying. It was really nice. Since that time I am much more relaxed about things like smoking and leaving a divine service when I am too panicked. For example, I noticed that sometimes I have a bad morning on sunday and feel weak and anxious about church going ... in such times I believe I have a right to stay at home and to watch a divine service on TV or to listen to one in the radio. This also actually helps to broaden my knowledge because the services in the radio or in TV are always at another church, sometimes a catholic service in a monastery, sometimes a protestant service. I wouldn't have believed it in my years as an atheist, but I actually never saw a service I disliked, with the one exception where some pastor made a speech on that proverb that said that the righteous will inherit all of the wealth of the godless ... he laughed so weirdly in that service that I really felt very unwell about it. the thing is, yes some of those who don't have God and who perhaps even hate him do evil things against God's faithful, but there are many others who behave morally decently despite not being christians. So I think that David's psalms do not always apply, at least not in their original meaning. There's also a scripture that has Paul saying that we christians don't struggle with flesh and blood but with other forces. Perhaps I am even a partaker in that christian struggle against evil ... and that all my resistance and fighting and such has a meaning beyond self preservation. Perhaps it's one of the things that God wants to see on a world that has access now to Christ's blood that enables us to overcome the devil while our failures in that struggle are forgiven.

I just may not get mad ideas again, or when I get them, I must quickly loose them. For now I am contend. I fought off the anxiety writing this piece, and some things became clearer to me.

I've been at youtube and listened to some of the old Michael Jackson songs. No matter what they say about him, that guy had an ear for music. Particularly the stuff from the Thriller and Bad albums really is good. I especially liked Beat it, Smooth criminal and Dirty Diana.

Now I'm looking for other music made by blacks. Not the hip hop stuff, not soul, I mean mainstream music. I wonder if there is music from blacks in the metal genre.

It would have been better if Michael had decided to stay black. He was a pretty boy before he whitened his skin and had the many surgeries. He had no real need to mess that much with himself. But of course I don't know the truth, maybe MJ really suffered from a skin disease like lupus.

Tired of modern christian songs? Try out http://www.otcradio.com/ . It's a program that plays only old songs, from the 60's and 70's. I find they're kinda brighter than modern christian songs. They're more gay (in the old meaning of the word as funny/joyous) and don't try to produce effects.

I find that when I hear modern christian songs I have the feeling that I am constantly expected to be in extreme worship mood. While with this old music it's more human friendly. It's music I can listen to if I like a particular melody, and which I can simply listen to in the background when I want to do something else. I mean, it's not so intrusive, not so much seeking my immediate attention.

Might want to try it out.

It's always so easy to blame God for something bad that happened to you. Reason says God is almighty, God is in charge, so why does He let all that bad happen? Well, the thing is, this is a fallen world. And bad things happening does belong to life here. The real issue is, what can be done about it? And that's where God's commandments come in, particularly the one to love your neighbor like yourself. It's one thing to suffer something and to be alone in it, and another to suffer something yet also to find solace, compassion and help. The bible says somewhere that God is the one who wounds and who heals. As long as I am healed, I can take a wound now and then. It's good for my heart. Something must be done about pride and rebelliousness ... and there isn't much God could do about it except to humble you somehow. He does that both in love at the cross and in the resurrection, and through giving us hardships in this life. We must always know that we depend on God. We can't wiggle our way out of that. Sure, if I say bye I might be fine for a year or two, but ultimately life and death remind everyone to their need for salvation and solace. That's why life has its troubles ... so that we don't get lost in our dreams of freedom, self sufficiency and independence. God isn't giving us a hard time because He wants to play overlord. We are made to live in humility and love, and any serious deviation from that path hurts our souls, and that much more than any temporary punishment, chastisement or challenge. What do I see in these things? A loving Father. However, this can only be understood if you do have people in your life who love you from the heart. Our sufferings are not meant to be hopeless cases, and if in reality they are, it's really our fault. Some people rebel against this notion that we are held responsible collectively, such as when man is still blamed for the sin of Adam and Eve. But in the truth this is to instigate a sense of responsibility, that we should be the keepers of our brother, unlike Cain who denied any responsibility there. That's where I usually end up when I think about the bad things that happened to me in my life. I have so many solaces. I received so many blessings. And somehow I feel that I should be involved in helping other people who suffer to receive solaces and blessings. For all people had their share of suffering in life. There is hardly any exception.

We are in a night, and yes, it's scary sometimes. But what you need when you are in the dark is a way that has a good destination, and a light to see the way. And all of this God is providing to all who want it.

hands in the fire
(of knowing and not)
redeeming the liar
cutting the knot

still revolutions
(inside and forlorn)
finding solutions
babies to be born

an endless conversation
in the city of clouds
without reservations
except not to be proud

and not to creep
again and again
into the black deep
we will see clearly then

to forget us for real
in the duty of love
instead just to feel
the warmth from above

and the light from up high
where there is nothing brighter
in deep joy to cry
so that we get lighter

and finally fly up to His face
to the Lord who made us His own
in His own strangest ways
and now is our Father alone

I'm really impressed by the demonstrations in Iran, and by the democratic resistance the people show its regime. I've been following the situation in Iran for a while, and it's been my impression for a long time now that the current regime actually had hijacked the revolution of the 70's. That revolution had been democratic too and was done mostly to do away with the corrupt and repressive regime of the Shah of Persia. But somehow the mullahs and the religious hardliners turned the democratic revolution into a religious one, with the result of Iran becoming something like a theocracy.

Some weeks ago I visited a site that had a christian prophet who told about a prophetic dream he's had about a future in which most of Asia would unite with Russia, ultimately to wage war with Europe and America. Now I don't know if that vision was true, I hope not, but if that's the case I'm afraid this could happen in my lifetime. I am very suspicious about Russia. They even back Ahmadinedschad now, Medwedew officially supports him. All the while touting paroles and holding speeches that he would support democracy. But Russia isn't really a democracy anymore anyway.

The vision of the prophet also had many russians abandoning the church, and many in the west too, and Jesus grieving about that. God is love, that's why He can't bear unfaithfulness. It's not about a monstrous rage of God, it's about a grave violation of His loving character and faithfulness to us, His children. Anyone who's been in love and then being left alone without reason knows how that feels.

I still hope that the vision may not be true and there won't come another age of war between East and West. But I guess one must be prepared in these times.

I sometimes have these bouts of unsatisfaction, pretty severely. It's like I can't be content with anything. I feel that I lack money, friends, that I should have better and more computer games, that my parents owe me more understanding, and, most of all, that God owes me a much better life. It's really bad, and it's clouding my attention to the many blessings that I actually already have received. It's irking me especially with the computer games. I spend around 100 bucks per month, more or less, on new games. Games that I usually play for some days and then give up because I'm not happy anymore playing them.

When I was younger I used to play most computer games until the end, until I beat them. This gave me a kind of satisfaction. Now I can't bring myself to do this anymore. At some point during playing, I feel a kind of hang up inside. Within seconds I loose all the joy and fun that I just had, and suddenly gaming feels like a weird chore that I should not even want.

At other times it's beautiful. I forget my fears and bad thoughts and immerse myself in another world, and it's a good distraction. But then sometimes another problem comes up, I am afraid that somehow God doesn't want me to play games anymore, particularly not fantasy games that has magic and other gods. I tell myself it's ok, it's just game and entertainment, but still it's like I should not play anymore. I have similar gripes with gory violence in games, or with esoterism in science fiction games.

I wish there would be games especially for christians. Without gory violence, without strange religions, without magic and without esoteric garbage. There are a few of these out there, but usually they belong to genres I don't like to play that much.

Right now I only have one ok game that seems good for me as a christian, Empire Total War. Well, it's not really a christian game, but it's got nothing of the disturbing stuff I mentioned.

I suppose the problem is that it's a game. Games by definition are competitive. They are supposed to teach us things about life, so that we may practice things which used to be daily troubles in more ancient ages. Even kid's games have their brutality.

Today I got my new computer. It's an awesome piece of technology, and I'm really grateful to have it.

My only gripe is, I found Windows XP to be a better system than Vista. But I'll get used to it.

Another trouble was that this new computer has a weird case that is partially open. I hope it won't get too dusty inside.

I've been watching the elections in Iran. I'm so disappointed that Ahmadinedschad won again. I hope Mussawi is right and the elections were manipulated. But I've read that even when that is the case, there is little hope to get Ahmadinedschad away from power again. Only he can recount the votes and everything. Frustrating.

I think trust in God, and trust in life, cannot always be separated from each other.

I bought myself a book containing both the little and the big catechism. It's awesome.

Some months ago I read a quote from Luther that said that the Gospel is like a herb, the more you rub it, the more it scents. It's similar with the catechism, it's not a big tree, it's just a small book, but through the Holy Spirit it becomes powerful to be my ally in my struggles, just like the bible.

I feel so peaceful today, satisfied, optimistic and joyful. I think I may have been wrong to pursue happiness all the time. Peace and joy are more than enough, that, and being more confident to actually possess faith and through it an access to God's grace.

I think I must simplify my life and clean up the messed up parts of it.

Thank you, Abba!

I think I spend a little too much in the OT. When reading these texts I often forget that the christian has a much better basis for his faith than the OT jew. The bible admits that itself, it says the old covenant was too weak, not potent enough to effectively reconcile man with God.

I trust this Jesus. He too had His rough sides, but He has shown me repeatedly that I can rely on Him. I suppose Jesus doesn't always find His pleasure in me, but I guess He has the kind of character you would need to be the Saviour of sinners. I don't want to risk offending Him through sinning, but I really need a sense of safety in my walk with God. That my weakness is taken into account, and also the schizophrenia.

It's difficult for me to walk the christian walk and in the same time having to struggle with the schizophrenia. Well, it's not just the illness, it's the demons. I know it sounds weird to a modern mind, but I can't escape the notion that my illness is demonic in nature.

I wish I would be wiser in my whole attitude towards everything. More able to prevent evil from happening. Wisdom doesn't always guarantee a real good life, but the result of wisdom is a life that is better than it would be if you act foolishly. I suppose it has to do with aging that I am more receptice to this concept now than I was in my youth.

I hope I'm not doing anything wrong, but lately I find myself listening to birds much as they fly by outside and chirp in midflight. Certain animals have this sense of liveliness in them which I really like to see and hear. I am too quiet.

Today me and my dad went to the Czech Republic, to buy cigarettes and to have lunch there. It was nice as usual. I had liver with rice, my dad had duck with dumplings and sauerkraut. It was cheap and good.

I feel a little estranged now. Probably got to do with having taken a nap. I always feel a bit awkward when I sleep during the day.

I will get my new computer the coming week. It will cost around 800 bucks and my dad will pay for it with the money they saved from the state grant and from the rent they received for me from the state agency. Thank God I am so well supported by my country.

I knew a guy from India once who was very puzzled that I was able to quit my job because of my illness. I suppose in India there are no government benefits for disableds and the sick, so even they must work. My friend said he knew a guy with leucemia and he worked as a security guard anyway. He seemed to imply that I should have a job too, regardless of having an illness.

I've been thinking about that forgiveness thing. I examined the word "forgive", which is pretty much the same as the german word, "vergeben". I suppose the original meaning of forgiving is that when someone wronged you, you give something to him. Your love, your patience, food and drink, etc. I believe God does things the same way, if someone wrongs Him He still gives life to him or her.

When I was thinking of hell and salvation once I heard a voice that said, hell is a punishment for indifference. This is really the most important thing, not to be indifferent to what goes on. This also means to rejoice with those who rejoice and to mourn with those who mourn.

To forgive someone means to shower him or her until the sin is covered by such generosity. To reach the same effect in our christian relationship with God, we must allow ourselves to let God shower us with His gifts, until sin is buried under joy, relief and redemption.

The only danger there is outright satanic evil, which normally isn't the problem with the very most people, and indifference. Perhaps even the devil's evil isn't some sort of deviousness but a stone cold indifference to God's pleas and the necessities of life so that it can go on.

I think some people view forgiveness as a heart wrenching act of self control. Well, that's part of the process, because when I shall forgive I certainly shall not think of taking revenge, which sometimes does need self control. But the aim is to get back at normal relations with such a person. I don't forgive and then break all contact. The aim is restoration of all evil into something good. That's why forgiveness is about giving, from the heart, the giving of love. If there is no indifference, it will produce good results.

So I'm 31 years old now. And I do feel like being older. I used to feel differently when I was still a twenty something.

I can't say I'm happy with aging, but I am at peace with it.

I wonder if I should see aging as a punishment of God. It definetly means a challenge to cope with decreasing strength and vitality. I don't mind so much that my body becomes old, but what I do mind is that I also age mentally.

I'm trying to prove character. It's a big part of my religion, to build character. It's the one thing where I cannot only depend on God but must also do my share in perseverance. I used to have this idea that when I become a christian life will become easy. Well, in some ways it has become easier, but it did not mean that I can now simply give myself an easy time, not always at least.

I have this idea that I must live the ages, discern their meaning and purpose, and follow along. I feel a rather strong pull from conscience to move away from dolce vita living. There's a proverb in the bible that says one is more blessed in going there where people mourn rather than there where they laugh, because going to the former betters the heart.

I don't feel ready though. In fact I am pretty unsure about how I will spend the rest of my life. In early spring I had decided to move away to the city again, but after some calculating of my finances I found it's not the right time yet. As it is now, my parents get some hefty bucks from the state for me living with them, and we wouldn't get any of that should I live by myself again.

-------

In the past weeks I sometimes felt the temptation to move away from the faith again to simply concentrate on doing "my thing". It was a pretty strong temptation. But now it seems to cool down. I'm always having that thought, if I moved away I would not be happier. Perhaps there is some growth happening now for me, that I develop a better understanding of life and of myself.

My problems don't rest with God or with my life, they rest on my bouts of irrationality. It is unreasonable not to live with God. He is a present help in troubles, and I have an indestructible meaning to my life if I stay with Him. And as far as "doing my thing" goes, I can still do that anyway. These days God has slowly persuaded me through His presence and through a gentle squeezing of my conscience that I should help my parents more in garden and household. That I should more fully live with them. Christian life cannot be done solitarily, at least not for long.

I've had a christian acquaitance once who said that in fact the christian through Jesus and His cross is not expected anymore to please God - that is, God doesn't require us pleasing Him anymore and loves us as His children. Only Christ ever pleased God. Translated into practical terms this means that we need not go out of our way anymore to device means and ways of how we could please God - instead we may live in grace and spend our time in love and devotion to one another. The bible says we shall try to find out what the perfect will of God is and practice obedience to that, but this is no contradiction to what I just said, because now in this age of grace, for us christians, the perfect will of God is about continually building up His church, both together as a community, and individually as members of the community. The only perfection that is demanded from us is in our love and in our thankfulness. The softer we get there, the more we become open to God's love and grace, the simpler it gets to become of use to others and to become a blessing in our families and communites.

I'm having a bad time. I often fall into bad and disgusting thoughts. I find some temporary peace in my games and in watching movies, but the stuff always comes up again.

I don't know how much of this I must blame on the demons. I guess I sound panicked in all my demon talks. But it's real. I see this stupid head in my head all the time, and anytime I arrive at the border of a bad thought, it seems to "punch" through so that the thought gets into me and I can't get away from it anymore. Well, I can get away from it, but inevitably the stuff comes back.

As I wrote, playing games helps a little. Sometimes I get into immersion and concentration in a game, and then I forget everything and have some peace. The problem is, it's something like drinking alcohol. I get addicted to it, and it helps, but in the end I only grow dependent.

I've been reading the mosaic law texts in the bible. They're hard to stomach for a modern person. But I guess I should just be happy to have Jesus who nailed the law to the cross, as most lutherans believe. That is to say, I do love the 10 commandments, they are so pure and holy ... but the rest of the law with all the punishments in it, it's really scary. And I don't understand God when He even demands that unruly children should be stoned. I guess I must take this with a large dose of humility, but I really tend to think this cannot have been God's will. Jesus said, let all the little ones come to me. Children are loved in christianity, so I suppose other christians have had trouble here too. But it's really nagging at my faith.

I want to take more leaps of faith.

I'm trying to be more conscious of the fact that in Jesus Christ God has become my Father. I think when Jesus tells us that we shall "hate" our earthly family, this is about God's jealousy. My earthly dad, though I do like him much, isn't giving me the love of my heavenly Father, and cannot. Now I'm not some misguided zealot who forsakes his family, particularly when my family doesn't put any obstacles into my christian walk.

But I do want to give my Heavenly Father a special place. I want to be a son of the most High. Well, and I am, through Jesus.

I read an article recently that certain charismatics and pentecostals emphasize that God is our king. But I believe it is more important for the christian to know that God is our Father. I want to trust that God wants to be my Father very intimately. And when I get in trouble, I want to trust that God reacts either like a human father, with compassion and care, or even more loving than a human father.

I think God may have a longing there, to become the Father of children. I think the situation of mankind with God, it's not satisfying to a God who is love. He wants to be closer to us than this. That's why He sent Jesus. That's why He took it upon Himself to take sin out of the world. Just so that He might gain children.

24.5.2009
~

a delicious taste, a golden
song. i behold a better beauty,
the world grows dim.
a large heart house, and
a sun rising. chattering dreams,
like sparrows at the window,
something cool to drink.

ready to do love. ready to see it
inside and outside, warming.
an ocean of yes, and some
sparkling no's, happy,
and I dive into God's love,
wishing my heart could become
soft like silk, soft like a bloom.

endless plains, eternal morning
that eats up all worries, fears
drowning in happiness, the hunters
come and bring fresh food,
and one more song of God's
greatness, of the Father's help
and gentleness. of tender mercies
all around us. finally we are free.

and able to love. healed. we
forget all worries. all wants,
all desires to be only ourselves,
hidden in wax and lead. the doors
have broken down. the computers
become silent. Jesus wanders into
our midst and we believe ...