anti_nietzsche

Friend's Only!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend

(If you want to friend me, please drop a line in the comments section to this post.)

Indira, Eduardo, get off my trail. Really. You two belong together, I've always just been an alien to this. Forget the poetry, the dreaming, it's all nonsense in the end. And I myself want to be free again too. Yeah you call me a coward and perhaps I am, but at least I don't find myself in a situation anymore when I dream of you two having sex and I must watch it. I'm not like the monk Nietzsche describes. For one second, forget your presumptuousness about me. Forget your little systems that you use to make yourself feel superior. There is little gravity to the whole thing. I was confused, I felt a crush for you, Indi, but if we had really loved each other we wouldn't have wasted 10 FUCKING YEARS. It's the same crap like in the sex dreams, I think some devil is abusing the whole thing and we didn't notice and blamed it all on each other, and then our romanticism kicked in like in girls who read about vampires and find them hot. Two years ago I thought about why I was so helplessly attached and a voice said, because Indira looked at your penis. And I guess there is truth to that. There is creepy stuff in a man, the freudian stuff that is so freakish. I'm trying to be honest but I do have a sense of self respect and self love, and I hope there is more to me than just this stuff, but I do not want to talk about such things really. But now you have it.

Lately it's like something or someone tries to recreate the whole thing as it happened 10 years ago. My computer crashes down while I chat with others about love and God. I found a new friend who is like driftfrozen and feels genderless. Recently I got a facebook mail by a guy who had murder fantasies which reminds me to my suicide paranoia. And I phoned the police about it, like in the last time. I feel very lucid and intelligent, more than I normally feel. I have weird coincidences happening. I had satanists come to me in chat (I went away from them quickly.).

I cannot explain this stuff just like you, but I do think it's more than just a personal delusion, a malfunction of my brain. All I do is trying hard to be wiser than the last time. And this time this means that I WON'T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS. Seriously, I learned my lesson.

Now enjoy each other, do however you please, but don't put me down in any way. I don't deserve your hatred. Let me tackle my issues and speak freely on my poetry forums so that I have an outlet at least. It's never directed at you, I just try to understand myself and poetry helps with that. And it inspires me with new confidence sometimes which I sorely need.

God bless!

Indi, don't be mad at me please. I don't know, but maybe you were really looking forward to me coming ... but I just gave up. Especially the part that you already have a guy, it scares me. I'm not stiff or overmoral or something, but I do want to follow my God and it's not right to violate such a basic but elemental rule. And let's face it, our love isn't so big that it would justify it. We've had our moments at first, but this all is so long ago. In the past two years I got away from it. The whole thing became so unrealistic. I think what really attached me to you was that you were there when my schizophrenia came up the first time, you were like a link to my old identity for me. And somehow, when we chatted or emailed to talked, I got lively again inside, as if something resurrected in me and I was happy like a little boy that after the night saw the morning come again. I know I probably suck at being a really interesting lover. My fascination with death and all that must have creeped you out sometimes. And I could have made a webpage or something, like you did, and try hard to express my feelings. I hate to admit that but I'm probably a bit out of whack, and if I can get a partner it must be someone who can handle me. You have enough issues of your own, I guess, and it would probably depress you to have someone like me towed to your leg. You lead a much more colorful life than me while I'm stuck with social security payments and visiting day centers. Perhaps you hoped for me getting on track on my own again, to become an attractive man again who can handle an explosive woman like you. But well, I did not manage and if I ever get into real life fully again, it will still take a while. Thank you for thinking of me, for showing the care that your heart would admit. I hope you will eventually find back to God too and see the wisdom of having Him, the need of us all to have something that can outweigh death and aging and the pains of life and all that. That would really amaze me, if you could revive the faith of your youth. But that's all up to you and I think I must let you go. I really wish you all the best and hope that you and Eduardo will marry, as it would be proper. I'll keep you in my prayers always.

PS And here's a small poem I wrote some years ago. It expresses my hope and my longing. Take it for what it is, a sign of the friendship I still feel to you:

erst später, wenn die friedhofsglocke,
mir nicht mehr gar so feindlich scheint,
wenn ich wie eine alte dogge,
die zahnlos doch noch angeleint,
an einer grimmigen gestalt,
die ahnung spür, ich gehe bald
.. erst dann, erst dann, da will ich gehn
zu denen die mich angesehn,
mit einem blick, wie löwen, rehe,
wie menschen fast, wenn's gut so wäre,
erst dann will ich mich wirklich scheiden,
vom leben wie's gelebt sein will,
und werde sanft die andern meiden,
und langsam in die hütte gehn
wie nebel werden, sonnenstill,
und nach euch suchen hier in mir,
die ferne wissen, doch nicht sehn,
Gott still zu geben was er will,
und doch zu woll'n, zu euch, zu dir,
ich weiß es nicht, kann nur erahnen,
was hoffnung nur, doch auch gewiss,
daß hinter gottes ernstem mahnen,
die liebe ist die nichts vergißt,
und werd, in lächeln und in tränen,
erinnern mich an unser leben,
und fest mir wünschen, wie ein kind,
das wir dahinter zusammen sind,
irgendwann, in jener stunde,
nach tagen die ich nicht bestimmt,
will heimkehrn ich durch jene wunde,
aus dem wie blut die liebe quillt,
die jener kannte, der uns liebt,
einer, der uns besser kannte,
als wir uns selbst, und doch vergibt.

I found a really nice new place on the internet where to be active:

http://ditto.yuku.com/

It's a community forum that is much like a big family. People there are from all over the place, mainly Europe and some from America. Most are british, and they're such nice people. But they have substance too, and there is smalltalk just as well as philosophical discussions and humour and poetry and debate.

I really like it and I was welcomed very warmly. Thanks God for this.

I got up about an hour ago. After another weird sex dream that made me wake up around midnight. Sometimes I interpret such dreams to mean that I haven't really matured much yet. But I think I am just living a life that has too much room. It must get more involving. So that my life gets filled with good things that push out the bad things.

I'm trying to be more spiritual in my judgment of things. Not being adverse to reason, but always complementing the reasonable with the spiritual. God's love ... reason can get tired about it, I've formed it to be a habit of blind seeking that is easily fed up with things. But if I let the spiritual in, and remain firmly focussed on it, God's love is like a bottle of fresh, cool (or warm) water that I can drink from anytime.

One thing I try to believe in is that God doesn't ever withdraw from a christian that is at least somewhat engaged and committed. He is always there to prove His Fatherhood to me. Sometimes I'm messed up emotionally, like when I have fallen into the sands of fear again, and in this mess of conflicting emotion I may loose my confidence temporarily, but this isn't the case very often anymore. Maybe my journal isn't expressing my progress clearly. I record my many little lapses and crisises, but I don't record most of the many little moments in which I am in joy, peace, love and elation. I think I should record these more often.

I had a nice little dream last night. I was on a small area in a forrest, and I couldn't tell whether they wanted to build houses there or rather gardens and maybe little huts or so. I walked around a bit and came to a little snack bar hut. I ordered a cola and then suddenly my friend Jacqueline was there, she also ordered a cola but wanted to have some molten butter in it as well. In the dream I thought, wow, I would like that too. Then I woke up.

Now let's go about interpreting that dream. I think cola may stand for something sexy and erotic, and for romantic love. I know I am looking for that. The molten butter may stand for the need of my friend Jacqueline to have love with more heart in it, with a little generosity and perhaps with some sentimentality. I am very sentimental.

Normally I thought I can only have pure cola. Nobody would really offer or indeed search for something more than that. It's what I thought Indira wants, it's what I thought I want.

The land in the forrest .. well I don't know what that means. Maybe it's an area destined to be inhabited once. Like when people begin looking for serious relationships, that they can settle down on and have a future there. And maybe there is also an additional meaning to the snack bar hut. That people in our age, for a time in their life at least, just want cola and not a house, sex and not committed love. Or maybe it stands for a meeting place where lonely people gather ... telling each other about their wishes and finding out how compatible they are.

I haven't talked to Jacqueline for about 5 months now. I really liked her but it was no deep fascination like I had for Indira. I know she would be a pretty safe bet - I don't think she would ever betray me or leave me, if I would be a good husband. With Indira I'm really not so sure. I guess Indira is a nice girl too, but she has some awfully rough sides to herself, and her being a nietzscheanian atheist isn't very helpful either.

Mom says I should visit Jacqueline. I would get the money from her. Maybe I should call off that travel to Argentina. There isn't much to be gained than perhaps a few inspired poems. Indira even already has a boyfriend, she doesn't really need an affair that would only bring tears and heartache anyway. Why did I overlook this all this time? I'm a christian and I should not get involved in adultery anyway.

When I think of Indira I only have dreams. Very sweet dreams but dreams nonetheless. I wanted to wake up besides her in the night, and talk for hours until the wee hours of the morning. I wanted to feel these pangs of love again, this feeling of being thrown in the world only to awaken besides someone else who also had been thrown there and doesn't know why. But I know now why I am here. I am here to live with God, in a reconciled way. I am here to prepare for a meaningful eternity. I am here to serve. To love and be loved. I have never felt loved by Indira except in the first time when we met, and I'm not sure if it maybe just was sexual attraction with some care thrown in.

With Jacky I could have real love instead, a real functional relationship of two people becoming one flesh and shouldering life together. Sweetness and warmth. And I know Jacky would still respect me if I'm doing something wrong. She knows what humility is, something Indira never showed me, no matter how much I, like a dog, gave in to her and got into submission pose. In fact Indira openly writes on her page how she sees me lost in dirt and my own excrements. Yeah that's existentialism in Indira style. No excuses, no apologies, no warmth ... except if you prove to be stronger and more capable than her, in which case she starts to purr like a cat, and you can never figure out what she really wants from you, or if she wants something at all. Ok, this was a little wicked from me, it is not entirely true. Indira can be really sweet too. But she was very cold to me sometimes.

Perhaps it's time to give in to God's instructions in the NT about christians being adviced to marry other christians if it be possible. I guess that is just wisdom. Jacky is a christian, and we're entirely compatible in our beliefs. And we can learn much from each other.

What I see in God
is the love for faith
the love for the heart
that believes in God
that puts itself into His hands
I see in God
the love for love
the stubborn refusal to accept hatred
the stubborn refusal to accept rage and anger
as a solution for things
I see a king, mighty and strong,
in love with beggars, washing their feet
and serving them a meal of God's best
I see a beggar, hurting and crying for help,
turning people into little kings,
those who do not withhold the good of their hands
from those who really need it,
I see a love falling quietly like snowflakes,
remembering all suffering and having the will
to make it all good some day,
I see a love violent like a hurrican
devastating the Earth,
remembering how His lovers were shunned, reviled and spat at,
I see a dove flying down from Heaven,
making peace with all that have a shred of good will,
that desire to see peace bloom colorful and tender and juicy.

sometimes I am afraid this tree will never bloom,
but I look into my mother's eyes
my little niece's face
my friend's tender heart
and believe again, like I have to
and I imagine God is ok with me

Sometime ago I made a post called "God came to me", about laying in bed and praying to God and then hearing a voice which seemed friendly and nice. I talked with "it" about my friend Indira and my problems with her and it was like it wanted to counsil me. It said all the time, I mean it well, you can come to me anytime, I am your Father and I am always there for you. Well, I believed this voice to have come from God.

But well, the voice also had said that a new friend that I have for some months now, a portuguese woman, in fact is Indira playing with me. The voice said, Indira hates me because she's pricking me all the time and I'm simply not spitting nails like she would expect it. She hates me because I show her that she's no real woman.

Well, I believed that too.

But some days ago I chatted with my new portuguese friend and suddenly I felt like telling it all and I told her everything about that voice. She reasoned with me and said no, I am not Indira, I am from portugal, and suddenly I noticed her way of speaking and phrasing things which is entirely different from Indira's. She also showed me paintings of her and she has a completely different style of art. She's also very different from Indira in that she really likes to chat and such and isn't playing the ice or mystery queen when it comes to feelings.

So that, eventually, I concluded that the voice that had come to me that night was not God. Either it's really all from my head, like when you have an intense dream, or it's been a demon again. This is really very hard to accept for me. For some time now, three years actually, I had believed that my voices were usually demons. I sorted out what I was hearing trying to make a difference between evil and good voices, believing the evil to be from demons and the good ones from God. But as it stands now, I can't go on even with such a simple decision. It seems like I must discart almost all voices. In fact I feel like I can only trust one time of hearing God, when he told me in 2005 that He would guide me to Jesus, and when after that I found a christian friend who had totally similar experiences like mine.

Now I'm sad because I feel confused, but I also feel a little liberated. I think I must really leave that notion behind that God is speaking much with people. In any case it is probably much better to use my own mind for figuring out things, and the bible and other good books, and talks with real people ... than just to hope for revelations, voices, meaningful visions and dreams and such. I don't feel my faith being threatened though .. I feel invigorated, even when now I also feel melancholic. Perhaps some of my faith journey and some of the things I believed in were based on wishful thinking.

The house I live in is built above a little brook. At the gateway to our plot of land it emerges from the ground and flows its way down the village street.

I'm thinking of having to follow the spirit more. For more than three years now, I've been staying put. There was some good in this, there were things I needed to learn, and my parents were there with whom I was meant to practice a life in love more.

But just like I'm spending one day per week in the city now, I think I should try to spend one or two months per year differently than the other months. There is this idea in my head about going hitchhiking again in summer. I always wanted to, but when the time came I either forgot it or there were other things to attend to. I have an online friend now who lives in Portugal ... I think I will ask her some day if I may visit her. Money isn't the big problem anymore, since my parents get that little grant for me. Most of it is supposed to get saved, but there is enough left over to afford me a low budget travel once or twice per year.

I'm not thinking of this simply because I have travelt lust. I think it's essential for my spiritual life as well. I need to get foreign earth under my feet, foreign wind to blow on my skin and foreign people to look into their eyes.

My life has become way too simple and tame. I think I am meant to live with my parents for the time, or at least to live very close to them, because they are the most important people in my life so far. But I need some fresh air sometimes, and the means to seek God differently than just through study and online discussion.

There is a blogger here on LJ for whom I have a lot of aggressive / fearful feelings for. At first it was really bad, and now it's become better, but somehow I usually don't react to him well. He's a christian and studies to be a pastor. Objectively, there's nothing wrong with him, I don't really know why I react so badly to him. Sometimes the bad reaction increases into a weird, desperate hate even when I see his posts somewhere ... a hate which I can curb quickly, but it bothers me that it is even there. He didn't wrong me in any way, just espoused the seriousness of christian faith in a way that scared me. Back then when I grew to have this antipathy I was not very secure in my faith, I was not even baptized. I remember that he made posts in the christianity comm about the wrath of God and about how fear is essential when going to God, and I just exploded in angry outlashes at him. I don't think I can simply blame it on my illness, it was a totally unworthy behaviour from my side, particularly since Jesus made clear to me that there is indeed a deep seriousness in christian faith which is apparent in scripture as well. The whole thing got a bit better after I consciously focussed on trying to love this man as a christian brother. Doing so led me to discovering how cultured he is and how gentle even he is to those who don't meet him with hostility. I wonder if I should apologize to him. I don't think he's interested in my friendship or anything like that, and I'm not interested in that either, but I believe I should not react the way I did to any christian, no matter his beliefs and methods of communication, and that I should make good somehow.

I'd like to ask my lj friends for an recommendation of good music. I am very eclectic in my tastes, so have no reservations about my youth or age or something. The music can be christian nor not, that doesn't matter that much for me. Just give me the name of a musician or of a band that you think I could enjoy. Thank you!

In my introspections I've been noticing that for many years now, probably all my life except for the first few years, I am trying to persuade myself that I am ok and that I don't need to change in anything. It's a habitual progress. I've noticed how habitual it is after I got my thought problem, ie my continual falling into evil thoughts. I'm still trying to persuade myself that I'm ok, that the sin is negligible. I'm not speaking about the banal fact that I am a sinner. I don't think most sins spell our doom. That's why Jesus went to the cross, so that we're saved from the sins our nature drives us into again and again. My problem is that there is a bug in my system when it comes to repentance. Something in me, out of a messed up mix of fear and disobedience and twistedness, holds on to sin, first because I thought that repentance is easy if I just think about the bad matter for a while, and then because the habits had formed and which I could not always break. When the bad stuff happened I was so involved in my fears that in this blindness I've made the mistake of trying to solve problems through manic thinking. Objectively, the mistake is easy to see, but still I keep doing it because my mind simply doesn't shun evil. I am a many storied being, and some of myself is ok and learns and is humble. But there are parts of myself which I really loathe.

The major thing to learn is to stop persuading myself that I am a good person, and in the same time not to fall into despair because of that. Like Martin Luther said, let your sin be strong but let your trust in Christ be greater. It's like I am tiptoeing along a ridge ... I know that just some feet down on the other side there is a lush meadow opening to a good land where I would love to be in, but I'm reluctant about stepping down from that ridge I am so familiar with.

I used to feel entirely incapable about divine punishment. I swayed back and forth in my thoughts, but nothing really gave me peace. But today I thought, when exactly have I ever truly been punished by God? I can only think of one occasion in 2007 when I had given in to the devil and entertained blasphemous thought. But even then there was no real punishment except for God voicing His disapproval and disappointment about what I had done. Scripture is right, God's anger only lasts for a moment, but His grace lasts for eternity. As for other occasions when I did something wrong ... I did not really get it in my heart that God also looks at how we handle our conscience. God never starts hating us for the most of our individual sins. Things only get dicey if you don't ask for forgiveness, if you don't repent. All in all, when I consider all my experiences with God, in fact I have to say that God is more merciful than people ... and I know quite some people who are very merciful and longsuffering. Also, God has never harassed me in any way. What I feared to be in God, a kind of viciousness, a sense of cruelity even ... is not there, there is only firmness, an insistance on His own values. And that's a good thing. I would have never left my bad old life with its many sins if I hadn't understood that God's hand is firm. It's something kingly and majestic, and it contributes to the beauty of God. It's like with holiness, it adorns God instead of making Him weird.

I was browsing a webpage I know where you can let other people rate your photo. I looked through some of the photos of women, and came over a transsexual woman and her ad. It turns out, I am still vulnerable to that whole thing. I'm over the transvestism stuff when it comes to myself, but I still find transvestites, many of them anyway, very attractive. It took me a moment to close the page and redirect my thoughts. I prayed and read a psalm and tried hard to be strict with myself and I managed to reach the end of the temptation without giving in. But I was shown that I am still vulnerable to that whole thing.

My mother says it's all just because I have no girlfriend and no sex. She thinks if I had a girlfriend such things would not mean a problem anymore, including the sex dreams I have sometimes. The problem is, transvestism sort of turns you into your own sex slave. You have a luscious sex kitten that no normal woman can beat in terms of availability and in terms of what this sex slave is willing to do. As I said, I really believe I am over the transvestism in the sense of me practicing it. But the attraction that once lured me into the whole mess is still there. I haven't actually felt it for about a year now, not even once, because I strictly avoided all related web pages and didn't even read respectable articles about it. But today it really hit me again.

I think for now I have to avoid digging into it through too much thinking. I've noticed that sometimes my mind gravitates to what I know is sinful, and then makes up excuses on the way which sound good in theory but which are dishonest because they don't face up to the issue that is really there.

Anyway, now I feel a kind of serenity and strength. Could that be a divine reward for resisting a temptation successfully? I hope it is. I avoided not just the desire for something wrong, I also avoided putting up a ruse that would lead into homophobia and such, like when I would try to get aggressive in my mind to GLBT people in a doomed attempt to get rid of the problem this way.

One thing which in the present time angers me most is to realize how the devil in my past life as an atheist had really deluded me away from the truth. For example, for a long time I had been thinking christian life is full of duties and empty of real joy. I believed that so strongly that I eventually thought that every christian had to be rescued from his religion. I've always felt that they could by no means be right about their religion which I saw as a great hindrance to living life to the fullest.

I think this is an example of how the devil has ensnared much of humanity. There are so many prejudices against christians going around. I do not mean that christianity is sometimes critisized by people. Everyone makes mistakes and christians are no exception. But in some people's minds, christians are always ridiculed and stripped of even common courtesy and decency in people dealing with them.

Sometimes this gets at me still, even when now I am a christian myself. I still fall into deception easily when it comes to these things. Nobody is supposed to glorify christians, but this disdain, this lack of truth and understanding in how christians are seen, that's not ok.

http://lab.andre-michelle.com/tonematrix

If you like synthesizer music try this out. It's really awesome.

I have been believing that God exists for between around 9 to 10 years now. And I still believe in God, it's become a matter of course. But to speak with CS Lewis, there are two different kinds of faith. Type A just accepts the existence of God. Type B also includes personal trust and hope. I have both kinds of belief, but I must admit that I'm not always practicing them. Sometimes my faith lays dormant. And sometimes when I want to practice faith, I find myself utterly incapable of doing so.

One big hindrance for me, not always but sometimes, is my illness, or rather, the affliction with demons, for I consider my illness to have to do with them. Too many things point to this fact for me. I got the first symptoms after having blasphemed Jesus in an email exchange. Things got worse still when I considered Jesus an evil being in my humanistic quest for progress. Things got better after I started to praise Jesus and to have christians praying for me. Things got worse again after I devalued Jesus' commandments and made some stupid spiritual mistakes without trusting other christians to know better than me.

My problem is similar to the one Pharao had. If arminian christianity is true, even Pharao had a chance. But if calvinism is true, Pharao never had a chance for God hardened his heart and prevented repentance. Basically, it's a tower of Siloam problem. If the tower fell and crushed you while you did not believe, it's game over according to most interpretations of the bible. The story with Pharao means, if you have already done TOO MUCH wrong, God can become disinterested in you and even force you to live in more sin. At least that's how things seem to be for me there. God is watching us and knows our heart, and if He finds pharanonic iniquity there you might be in for a real lot of trouble, trouble that you cannot understand, trouble you cannot get out of.

That's where christianity really can appear a very absurd religion. Basically, what a human must do is to abandon any attempt of trying to establish a human righteousness. Such attempts do not get us anything. All I can do is to seek justice by the means of faith, and to practice humility. Without humility it's not possible to live a christian life and to get along with God.