anti_nietzsche

a quote I stumbled over at jesus.de

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:32:36 GMT

Once it was so: Man understood only little, but the little moved him deeply. Today he understands a lot, but it doesn't move him, or when it does, it does so only superficially and grotesquely.

Pushkin - On a scuplture of a conqueror

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:41:43 GMT

You're wrong to see a mistake here:
given by the hand of art
to the marble of this mouth a smile,
and anger to the cold shine of the brow.
not by chance does this face talk with two tongues.
that way this ruler has been:
used to contrary feelings,
in his face and in his life a harlequin.

homosexuality

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:38:57 GMT

In the past weeks and months we've talked again and again about homosexuality in the christianity community. If I am not mistaken there was a strong consensus that we must respect, love and honor homosexuals. Some christians believed it to be a sin, others challenged that idea, but there remained a basic agreement on how we're supposed to live with each other, which is in love and humility. I'm happy about this. I do believe homosexuality to be a sin, if not for everyone then at least for me. But grace goes beyond the law. In fact it is terribly easy to discover deep things in the law and then, in the enjoyment of such depths, forgetting the need for simple grace as offered by Jesus. A christian must never forget how Jesus spoke of the law - as something to be fulfilled through love. It's simple really. Even if mankind congregated and consulted all kinds of teachers and had an oracle able to give absolute truth on everything, if all of that were able to produce a perfect law, still one could not simply say love is part of the law but that love, the demand and support of love, must be the essence of law. Otherwise our ship aiming to float to Heaven will sink at the very start. We often don't understand hell and heaven properly. What if we treat righteously ourselves and then are allowed in Heaven ... only to have to realize that half of our friends and family aren't there and never will be because they've been sent to hell? I hold such a scenario to be entirely possible, in fact it meant a threat that urged me to accept Jesus like He wanted me to. This is something we need to understand, something that should motivate us to really be our brother's keeper. Be our brother a homosexual or a whore or a thief or even a murderer.

The doves - Firesuite

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:48:06 GMT

denken

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 08:11:29 GMT

7.12.2009
~denken

still im erschrockenen gesicht weicht das ahnungsvolle schwere in den lippen durch die augen in die nacht, aus den forts bricht hervor pferdemorgengrauen die lispelnde ameise spricht und schweigen, SCHWEIGEN! ist die donnerkugel des abgegrauten falschen alten gottes aus haß die in den gebilden um uns singt ist mutter liebe, tausendfach die kleine einsamkeit melodisch, symphonisch, das endlose stück brot und der endlose hund und das endlos neidische meer, oh tanzt mit mir rufen die kleinen gedanken und singt mit mir und hört nie zu und vergeßt alles schnell, das ist das leben ruft ein böser narr der humor nicht versteht und lächelt wie atomische bomben, aus das licht, aus die nacht, aus das dunkel mit dem flüsterstern, gib diesen zeiten keinen halt laß krank werden die lüge in mir und sterben, laß die wahrheit hochspringen, alles zerschlagen und gütig in unsere augen blicken, und mir dienergeduld erwachsen als tropfen gold in meinem haar, als blaue segel im auge als rote blumen hinterm ohr wo der wald ist aus glaube.

still aufgewacht und aufgesetzt und nichts gedacht, herzschlag spürt fort nach dem stich aus himmel der in die träume ragte, herztorlebensende, depressionsgewalt, angstzugriff und stich, stich, stich, der staubsauger der seele raucht, die taumelnde tänzerin in der wüste musik und trapptrapptrapp vorbei ist alles wieder, filmriß, erinnerungsverweigerung, schluß kein gedanke mehr

a dream

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 06:25:50 GMT

An hour ago I awoke from a weird dream. I was in China and there were chinese people with dogs and assault rifles. I got a rifle and I played with it. It wasn't loaded with ammo and looked weird, but I messed around with it and tried to pretend I was shooting. For quite a while.

I think there is still an element of violence in me. A certain bruteness. I know it is there. It is often hidden from myself, but later I can recognize it. I should not think that I am a very meek man. I am driven and without consideration, often.

There also is good in me, but it's weak still, and isolated, and often distorted by the vices that are in me also.

Christ is really good to me. He doesn't reject me nor does He belittle the little good I sometimes do, but He always reminds me to look on my walk and to perfect it and to keep my eyes on the priorities He has given me. It's not enough to simply want something good when God has another good in mind for me. It doesn't help to think, I want something good ... when God's will means another good. That's something I didn't understand for a long time, I plagued myself and I saw great evil in me, when in fact I was just a normal man not wanting to do any evil but being not so keen on subordinating myself to the will of God.

another thing I must take back

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:18:02 GMT

Today I sat in the bathtub and thought of God's wisdom. I had written recently that modesty is the same as pride. Then in the tub I thought, no, it's not the same, modesty isn't the same or worse than pride. Then I looked and before me I saw a thorny bush and I looked closer and there was a drop of blood on it and I had to think of Christ.

Now that I think about it, Jesus came for us to have a different, more merciful sense of ethical law and morality. God's law is perfect, but only God knows how He intended it. It's easy to take this law and kill people with it. Overwhelming them, burdening them, weighing them down and imprisoning them in the sins they often can't avoid anyway. If there is any chance to get a human into a life that reflects at least some of the law's brilliance, it is through grace and forgiveness.

There is a law of sin and death active in this world, and I believe God's punishments are usually of such a kind that in pain and suffering people get a sense of death and learn to repent of sin. God's punishment prevents the worst. But the same can be achieved through receiving grace and forgiveness, which is available in Christ. So I should strive to lead people to Christ, not to the law. The law is written on our hearts anyway, God took care of it that we have a conscience.

Thank you for your wisdom oh mighty and wise Jesus. Thank you for putting your seeds of brilliance into your mind and for showing me again and again what love really is.

poem

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:35:33 GMT

11.12.2009
~some say

some say you are your own Jesus
above yourself in a heaven of you
killing yourself in an earth of them
believing in an it to save you
something like luck or freedom
it does not matter

you are your own Mary
leading yourself into God's ways
making yourself tears
for Jesus' sufferings
and joyful songs for His resurrection

do you see yourself?
who can see and not judge?
who can see and only have mercy?

who can wait but those who give up?
but wait, isn't that suicidal?
isn't that faithless?

now is that a world of where is he, the Lord?
is that the life question of our heart?
or is it a world of I get what I want
despite the cost this draws from our souls?

despite the leaf of beauty dying in your hands?
that you can look up and see the tree remain?

being a human and a christian

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:35:09 GMT

For the sake of love between humans, for the sake of them enjoying a good and beautiful and pleasing coexistence, a man must be able to be small. If for some reason he has come to think of himself as strong, high, important, or in some other way special, it is not enough that he is is generous, or that he is gracious others. He must be able to be small. The camel must go through the eye of the needle. Be he a devil or an angel, he must be a man.

I've had a friend once who always told me that a human must try to really be a human. I've put that away thinking it's too humanistic for me as a christian. But let's consider Christ - He became a human, and it must have been difficult for him sometimes as well. If therefor being human was Christ's difficulty, it may do us good to enter in such a difficulty all the same.

And if Jesus found it a good thing to become a human, we too may find it a good thing. If God decided that He needed to acquire a greater mercifulness through becoming a human, maybe we too should see a transcendence in becoming a human.

That's why I must take back my comment on renouncing my humanity in favor of my christianity. In sofar as christianity is about making people being more like Jesus, and in sofar as being a human is central to how Jesus is like, I must in fact pick up my humanity and bear it. Maybe it means a cross sometimes, but doesn't that really remind me to Jesus' life? And of course there is joy to this, the possibility that I can accept myself for once, if maybe not always. But, for now, to say that I am human, what in fact I am a human no matter what I think or do, sounds like a good idea for today.

If I am a human in the way God intends it for me, then I am enjoying a similarity with Jesus Christ. And there must be a blessing involved with this. There must be healing there. My friend was right and I was wrong, I must be a christian human rather than only a christian. There must be things in common between me and the rest of humanity. I may exist primarily for God, but "the second commandment is like it, to love my neighbor like myself".

modesty and pride

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 05:56:06 GMT

I was reading something in a CS Lewis book recently about how in Heaven the angels and saints neither practice modesty nor pride. I knew about the pride thing, but I hadn't thought so much about modesty. But it's true, modesty isn't so much better than pride. In fact, it may be that people try to be proud of their modesty. It's like a man trying to prevent his pride through certain actions. But real pride, the bad pride, is an attitude inside which we cannot really get away through good actions.

Complete truthfulness is enough. Simply loving the truth is enough. And knowing God's hand in your accomplishments and successes, His blessings.

climbing mountains

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:36:46 GMT

Yesterday I was climbing theological mountains. The problem of evil. Certain kinds of suffering. Job. God's holiness. It was a very difficult climbing. I ended up praising God not for His goodness, as His goodness is limited, but for His honesty, for His might and glory which is immanent to Him, and not a result of His "deeds". That's what Job knew. That's what he couldn't reconcile with his reality. God wasn't nice to Job. But He was honest with him. He even made him pray for those who were counselling him, or more like trying to counsel him, as in truth they were only increasing his suffering. Yes, God has brought evil upon humanity sometimes. From a human POV, there was no need. I should not try to understand God's way of thinking. He has resources in His wisdom that I cannot grasp. He has depths I cannot fathom, and heights I cannot reach, brightness that blinds my eyes and darkness that my eyes can't pierce. I pray to God not as the embodiment of goodness, but as God who decided to be good to me. There is a difference between the two. I needn't be surprised that God scares me. It's like being asked to jump into a vulcano. From this side of eternity, God is a scary vulcano. The Gospel is good news, but it also has scary elements. Yet there is God's honesty, there is His mercy, there is His rejection of the fleshly and of the wicked. He said that He will like to love us, if we do as He says.

fanaticism? righteousness? honesty?

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:46:59 GMT

Somehow I always tried to be a christian human. But it seems probable to me now that God wants me to be a christian alone.

to Indira

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:23:49 GMT

I don't know why you've shut me out of your life again. And frankly, I don't know why this should matter because you've always shut me out and left me in confusion and sometimes in despair even. Yes, desperation is ugly, but if you hold the key to somebody's way out of a particular desparation, then it's wrong not to do something. I don't expect vast love from you, I don't expect great feelings or loyalty or faithfulness. I expect that you stop reaching for a knife to cut me out of your life as if I've always just been an intrusive alien. I'm not going to simply accept this and remain like a loyal dog. I will forgive you, but it hurts to know that you don't care about it. How long have I pleaded for your forgivenes? Did you never see how I had reason to forgive YOU too, and always did so, without asking for a price beyond expecting you to simply acknowledge me and that I had a place in your life?

sunday

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:14:30 GMT

I've just come back from the sunday divine service. It was short and sweet, and very good. I really enjoyed it today and even had only little problems with evil thoughts. The sermon was good too, pastor Tom talked about impatience and how impatience is not only improper but also dangerous, and that literally. When I am impatient with something I might do something to decrease the time I normally would need to wait, but in truth such doings can actually cause great damage.

Patience is one of the things of the spirit I have the most trouble with in acquiring it. That is, I can get into patience, but then my mind destroys the patience by flooding me with acidical thoughts that then burn in me and eventually hurt my inner peace.

I'm really admiring people who can be patient. My mother can be very patient, my dad too. A good example is my mother when she feels pain for some reason. She simply lays down and rests. And is patient. When I hurt my thoughts continually circle around finding a way to stop the pain, even when it's just a small pain, even when I have to realize that I can't stop the pain with my thoughts.

One thing that helps me more and more lately is to quote scriptures to myself. The demons can't touch them. They give me new faith, by the power that I feel is in them.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:18:01 GMT

Today my last order from Amazon arrived. I got two books by CS Lewis and the whole package of Barclay's Commentary for NT scriptures. I hope these will be useful.

I've peaked into the Lewis books and I believe they will be very inspiring, particularly "The great divorce". I've talked about this with an orthodox christian once and he said that man in his heart often entertains attachment to hell, and that for a serious christian there is the requirement to get conscious of God's will regarding heaven and hell, that they need to be separate, that there is an either or decision awaiting us humans and that we must dissolve the tendencies in our heart to want hell.

I find that God is leading me to become more conscious of my decisions. I'm not supposed to make decisions which immediately give glory and light. The power of making the right decision lies in simply doing them and remembering them faithfully in daily life. God is also showing me that this is not a grievous thing, it's a blessed thing instead.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:55:53 GMT

Yesterday I spent the day in Chemnitz. My dad drove me to a meeting center for people with psychosocial difficulties. I'm planning to go there once in every week. It's a christian center, so that's a plus. Yesterday I just attened a small devotion and talked a little with one of the nurses. It's a nice place and I think I can handle the people.

After the talk I left and went to a smoker's pub not far away (in Germany most pubs can't allow smokers anymore, except for pubs who dedicate themselves to smokers and don't admit non-smokers). I had a real nice lunch and then spent my time with a book, Stieg Larsson's "Forgiveness". It's a thriller about some secret agents from Sweden abusing a girl to protect her father, a russian spy, from the courts and the public eye. Somehow the girl reminds me a lot to Indira.

I left to buy christmas presents. Then I came back and spent the rest of the afternoon in the pub, smoking, drinking some beer, and reading. After a while I had the impression that people in the bar were talking about me. I know it's not real, but in the same time I can't help believing it is. I'm not paranoid about it, but it's just like sometimes, what I hear people say, seems to fit to what I think. For example, I may think something, and then suddenly I overhear someone else saying "Yes, yes", and it seems like it was a reply to what I was thinking. I know I should cling to the knowledge that it's not real, but it's hard. If I don't watch myself I still gravitate towards schizo thoughts.

It's like I am both mad, and sane, in the same time. The madness itself is easy and doesn't hurt much, it's just that I can't comprehend it which bothers me really. My mind then thinks it's some important problem and I keep thinking about it all the time. I prayed and things got a little easier. I prayed some more then I heard a friendly voice in my head say, "let it be and ignore it".

I think what triggered the whole thing was the book. The girl reminded me so much to Indira that I just went back mentally to the time when we met. It was such a mad time for me. I don't know how to make sense of the memories. Mostly I'm just sad. I had left my life in great hopes, and ended only in a mess. Instead of a new life with someone I really loved, I ended up leaving my old life without finding a good replacement.

I've become such an alien. I spend my times in my room, with games and books and cigarettes, almost every day, and it's always the same. I wish I could do something else but nothing comes. Lately God has been pressing on me one thing which Paul wrote about, that he had learned to be satisfied with everything that comes to him, be it hunger or being filled, be it the bad or the good. I'm far from such contentment.

I feel a little worthless and meaningless. That is, I see some meanings in my life, such as in the love between me and my mother, but there's too much emptiness in the rest.

feeling sick

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 18:00:23 GMT

I don't know what's going on with me today. I'm feeling bad, and really sick sometimes. It started in the morning, I already awoke in a bad mood. I didn't go to church, perhaps that was a mistake. I'm lost in my mind, I think all the time. I hope this isn't a new episode of the schizophrenia creeping in. I've had relative peace with it for around two years now, since I got baptized.

It started last night when I walked home from a party my brother-in-law had given for his birthday. I felt afraid and as if on flight, but I think I managed to stay calm. But today in the morning I felt so confused and unreal. In the night I had dreamt I was with Jelena, my ex girlfriend, and we had a baby and it slept in our fridge. It was more funny than bad, just dream nonsense, but still I felt bothered in the morning.

But I'll manage, I always manage. Now it is 7 PM and I've decided recently to hold a bible study every day at 7, together with prayer time.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:12:06 GMT

About two hours ago I came back from a LONG walk with my mom. I forgot my digicam, else I would have made some pics. We walked from our house to the neighbor village, to my sister who has a house there. I was a bit grumpy, but I saw it fits well to my mission of making my life better. And I had an awesome experience in the woods which I think came from God. I was walking a forrest path with my mom, there were lot's of leafes on the ground. At an opening, suddenly wind began to blow from behind, blowing the leafes in front of us away. It was a timeless, miraculous moment, full of beauty and shall I say divinity. I'm not completely sure it was God and not "just something normal", but I like to think it was God. It reminded me to a similar beauty which I sometimes have seen and felt before. Something I also found in certain poems like some of Rilke. It's incredible. If Heaven has this I will be completely satisfied. It calms me. It amazes me. It shows me something, or better someone, who is completely infinite and omnipotent, yet full of grace and truth. I have seen this before in my old life and thought it's about love. But then I clung to it as a manifestation of my love or of someone else's love, yet it was gone soon. Now I want to think of it as a gift of God. A meaningful gift. A moment of purity and magnificence. It's worth it to be a christian. Entirely. Completely. Like Paul said, our present sufferings do not mean much in comparison to this which lies ahead.

november time

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:30:08 GMT

22.11.2009
~

november time
slowly unwinding love, regret and
harmony with aging away
together with nature
with birds, plants and corn
going to sleep with it all
only God stays awake
I am thanking joy that it was here
I am thanking happiness that it helped
throughout the year
its ups and downs accepted and
cherished even, for His hands
touched my pain and my laughter

fleeting moments noticed and molten
into memories, that do not hurt.
the wind tore off some of my mistakes
and God forgave the rest

things are changing for the better, really

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:40:23 GMT

I'm going through a time of change. Jesus came to me some days ago, in the evening, and He said that I have to do something about my addiction to computer games. He said that my whole life style needs to change. At first I struggled with this, but I also quickly saw the truth in what Jesus told me. And I'm obeying Him. The next morning I helped my dad in the garden and spoke some more with my mother. She is so loving to me now, I think God's behind that to help me in this repentance from a wrong life. My dad is also very loving now, and even let me go after a while when he saw that I started to feel nervous and grumpy from the work. I feel reminded to this psalm of David that says, "faithfulness and goodness will follow me all my life". It's an awesome breakthrough of God into my life, entirely how I always yearned for it but had ceased expecting like that in the last years. And I have to admit, I didn't look for it anymore, I kinda knew that I did some things wrong with my life yet I did not accept that and thought I simply needed to get well mentally and do everything I lusted after.

I'm still playing some games, but I will heed God and seek a more wholesome life. I just can't quit the games cold turkey.

I've also been shown how my choice for God matters. Two days ago I sat in my room and thought about God, and I heard a voice that said, do you decide for aligning your whole life to God? Exactly then I found myself unable to decide like that. I thought about the computer games and how I in the last 12 years or so had aligned my whole life such that I could play games. Then I heard Jesus ask, do you decide for the way of love? And I decided myself so.

I think one of my mistakes had been to think that my decisions for God always have to be accompanied by deep emotional experiences, or a complete conviction when I choose something. But God also accepts carefulness, and the weak decisions ... He can help me solidify them later.

Now I am more eager to follow, it's kindled a fire in me which really makes me feel very warm and loved inside. It's beautiful and good. I have learned a lot in the past years and it's all coming together. God also made me see how I have a genuine desire to be holy in my heart, which Jesus probably has kindled with His love and might. It's awesome and for the first time in a long row of years I feel authentically happy and hopeful and joyous.

God made me see how I need to read more books, write more poetry, and such, instead of simply playing. Computer games are fun, but playing them isn't something productive, they don't really enrich my life.

I'm also feeling a release from my schizophrenia in all of this. I'm less inclined to try to control myself. I'm much more inclined to trust The Way of Jesus to be a good way which will produce many good fruit in my life. Yesterday night I also prayed for my dad's fate, and somehow God answered this prayer with love and assurance, it's like He said, yes, your dad has a chance, don't be afraid to trust me with this and to allow some solid hope for my dad getting to know Jesus and becoming saved too.

This awesome and today is sunday. I want to celebrate this when I go to church and do some real worship.

giving up the smokes

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Today's the umpteenth time I have decided to try again to quit smoking.

I don't think God really forbids it, but if one approaches God as a benevolent God caring for your wellbeing in terms of health and finances, I think the answer of God to a prayerful question whether one should stop smoking, would be yes.

My basic spiritual idea that I always remind myself to is that I should always honor design and purpose. And speaking of design and purpose, a man's lungs are not made to contain smoke of whatever kind. Tobacco was not made to be smoked, I think. There may be uses for this plant, but smoking isn't one of the divinely intended ones, I think.

I'm not sure I follow that idea that smoking is against God dwelling in us being His temple. I have known plenty christians who smoke. I don't think that giving up smoking is as vital as, say, giving up adultery and fornication. But it is very detrimental to our health, and a loving Father simply wants His children to be healthy if it be possible.

So I'm trying again. I don't know if I will manage, but I seriously want to commit myself to this. I've done this before, so I know that after a few days the main craving will cease. I want these worries off my back, that I would selfishly limit my days on the Earth. I don't want to get lung transplants one day. And I want to get rid of all the habits associated to smoking. Money's important too, these days I needed around 120 Euros per month for smoking. If I manage to quit this will seriously help me in my wish to live alone again.

a dream

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:27:43 GMT

Tonight I had a wonderful little dream. I found myself in a place somewhere within a mountain full of very large and lightened caves. A woman I know from a bible study group was there, and she was very friendly with me. Then my brother-in-law came to me and we swapped some food. He told me I could have what I wanted, the trade would come later. The whole area seemed to gleam with love and loveliness. I've had a dream of this earlier, and I think it might have been about Heaven. I guess we still have some kind of job when we go up there. There is a social life, we will have our duties. But there will be peace and perfection and absolute righteousness in all of us. Just no pain and suffering. It was beautiful. Thank you Jesus for this dream. Please protect me from evil thoughts.

depressive realism

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:55:08 GMT

I found an interesting article about depressive realism today. It's in german so I won't post it here. Essentially, it was about some experiments which showed how depressed people have a more realistic and more precise perspective on the world and life than "normal" people. I find this pretty insightful and true. There's this song by Nine Inch Nails that has the lines, "you are someone else, I am still right here" as an answer to those wanting to cheer a depressed person up. It's odd, but it's the truth, if you see truth as an objective standard every opinion making must submit itself to fully.

It's frustrating if you don't have patience. But perhaps this whole idea of wanting to influence sick people with your behaviour and way of speaking ... isn't wholly accurate neither. Isn't feasible always.

I have a pretty intense fear of being blamed and shut out. Add to that some serious naivetee and a weird, narcistic belief in my own charisma, and you get one really screwed dude. I should have become an actor in theatre, I think I might make more sense to myself.

Discussions with parents continue. Now my dad wants me to stay here, he says it would be the most reasonable choice. He's most concerned with money. I don't get enough, he says. I think I can make it but it won't be comfortable, certainly. But I don't think it's too bad. If I lived on my own again my dad has already agreed to give me the caretaking money they get from the state for me. This would be another 100 bucks or so. And I would get a 100 euro job or something too. This is actually much more than what many other people get. My friend Jens I think earns around 1400 euros or so per month, but he's paying all bills himself. He has to pay for food, the internet, taxes, some insurances, two cars, a baby's needs, his wife, etc.

question about parents

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:10:04 GMT

Does God really want everyone to submit to their parents, regardless of what they are asking? I'm having issues with my parents lately, it's not so easy. If I did what my mother says I would play little to no computer games and walk around in nature much, I would always be with people I don't feel much attraction to, etc. But I don't want this so I decide to disagree with her and follow my own ideas.

But I don't know what God thinks about this issue. I freely admit that I was too disobedient as a kid and should have heeded my parents advices more. But now .. does this still count? I have asked other christians about my situation and they usually tell me, move out Daniel, get into your own life again. And I tend to agree. But in the same time, part of me wants to stay with my parents. I normally have a pretty good relationship with my mother. We talk a lot and she's often been nice to me. But today we had arguments and debates, and it was not so nice.

My feeling is, my parents should treat more lightly, and ignore their suspicions and fears about my future. I think they should say, to me and to themselves, there is no black hole waiting to consume us, comes time comes counsel, God will help, life is gracious. But they basically listen to their fears all the time. And when it happens and I do make a mistake, they exaggerate it. Instead of saying, well Danny, it's going to be ok, you will manage, they say things like it's terrible, you will never manage if you live alone again, etc. I can't have this in my life.

We agreed that I will move out some time this winter, but then it makes me feel a little guilty. My parents get old, they are both over 70 now, and they could need me in the house. My dad has arthrosis in his knees and gets an operation this winter, a knee joint replacement. My mother would be alone all the time then, if I'm not in the house.

But it's hard to help my parents if they have such a negative opinion of me. It's very discouraging. I admit I have my flaws, but so do they, and that never gets on the table. I feel like my parents should support me, morally I mean. But instead they worry about me and tell me they need to save money for my future etc. I don't want my parents' money, I could really care less about that, I want my parents' good wishes and understanding and simple love. I want their blessing, not their critique.

stress with parents

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:54:14 GMT

Today I got some flak from my parents. Especially mother was upset, and then very sad. It was about my money again.

The whole thing goes like this ... because I am unemployed and cannot work, I live from german social security benefits. I get around 350 euros per month. It's not much, but I get by with it. I even save 30 euros per month for an old age insurance. I need a lot of money for my cigarettes, around 100 euros per month. And I spend much money on computer games.

Today my dad wanted to see my account statements, and it turned out that I only have 170 euros left, and it's only 11th of the month. I said, fine, so I can't spend any more money this month, that's ok. But for my parents, especially for my mother, this was a big issue. She wants me to get a social supervisor. That was the part I hated. I had a friend who had a supervisor because he had manic episodes in which he'd spend all his money and then have nothing left for food and such. I don't want to have such a supervisor, he would get all my money and whenever I needed something, I would have to ask.

My mother isn't always so, but sometimes she gets into fearful and sad moods that make her think I won't survive without her. This is a real big problem for me. I need my family to tell me it's going to be alright. I can't deal with someone who is constantly afraid of something in me. It makes me feel hopeless and at places despaired even. I just think it's not right to listen to your fears so much. I love my mother, but when she is in moods like this I don't like to be around her. She accuses me of being unloving and a mess maker, and I can't have that. I have trouble enough with my self esteem and with my cheerfulness as is.

I'm trying not to hate my mom. She is old and having fears about me has been a problem between mom and me for years now. I still think it's a serious problem, but mom doesn't see it, even calls me dishonest and such. I'm of the view that if you always blame someone for something, if you always see the worst in him, you needn't wonder much when this person turns out bad in the truth then. Yes, it may be that sometimes I spend too much money on computer games and such, but I am used to financial hardship. I go by the motto, don't worry about later, there will always be counsel and guidance when bad things happen. My parents are so fearful in these things. Sometimes my mother goes as far as accusing me of wanting to destroy our family and make them poor. You know, my dad has taken over the internet fees for me, and he's subsidizing my cigarette costs with 50 Euros per month. But I felt this was a kindness of him, something not necessary, just something very nice. Whenever I have some trouble my mom mentions this and claims that without their aid I would drown in real life.

I guess I must chalk it up to my parents age. They are both a little over 70 now, and most old people feel much anxiety in that age. I must just bear with it.

Something good came out of this talk too. This Friday I'm going to a counselor and will ask for help in moving. I know of a big house in the nearby city of Chemnitz which has appartments for 140 Euros per month, which would fit into my social security grant, ie I would get an additional allowance that would cover this rent. And I think I am eligible for help with furniture and such, there are groups and societies which support unemployed people like me with used furniture, ovens, toilets and such.

I just want to have a hopeful tone in my life. I don't want to focus on fears and depressions. I need people telling me things will be alright.

This is a challenge for me. I think I must simply forgive my mother, but then I ask myself if she might be right about me and get a lot of self doubts. I can't harden my heart to my mother, but honestly, it sucks. I wish someone would see me like I really am, and would be a real friend. But only God is such a friend for me. It's not enough, I need to also have humans who know me as I am. I'm not saying God is expendable, but that He can't really replace other humans, and He knew that when He made us male and female. I guess mom will be alright again soon. She's been in this mood before, and after a while it left her alone and she became cheerful again.

The bad thing today was that mom invoked God when we were debating. She said it's not a pious thing to play computer games. She implied, it would anger God. I don't think so, but I have trouble enough with doubts and such that I don't want to hear such things from someone I usually trust.